I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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