when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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