The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
They took my balls.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
