i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize