did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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