I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
