Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
