U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
