Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
