You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
