If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
