I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
