I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
