I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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