the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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