I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
