I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I don't deserve a penis
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
