I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
