i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
