Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
