i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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