I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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