There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
