She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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