capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
