matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
