I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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