i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
