the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
