watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My feet surprised me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
