Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
