tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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