Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
