Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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