Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize