I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
