he puts the penis in happiness.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
