He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
