ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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