Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize