I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
