I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
