you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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