I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
