Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
