Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
