And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We were destined to go to rehab together
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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