Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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