Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
