Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
