sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
