I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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