Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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