my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
