I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
