my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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