At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
