I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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