I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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