just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
