Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
