I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
