He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
