take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
