Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
